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What Your Post-Ride Beverage Says About You

Think what you drink after a long day on the trail is merely a reflection of your personal palate? Think again. Your beverage of choice publicly broadcasts much more about you than you ever imagined, and can even predict how your night is likely to turn out with near-scientific accuracy. At least according to this incomplete, subjective, and incredibly biased list that you should definitely take super-seriously.

PALE ALE

You’re well-rounded and versatile, with refined taste in both beverages and gear. You don’t mind springing for something high-end if it’s worth the hype, but you also don’t buy the most expensive thing available just to say that you did. You can true a wheel and probably know how to tie a bunch of useful knots and stuff. You like to catch a good buzz before hitting the sack at a reasonable-ish hour so you’re fresh enough for tomorrow’s ride.

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CHEAP LAGER

You take the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach to everything from bikes to beer. Your rig might rattle like a dying washing machine but it still works. Duct tape and shouted obscenities are your tools of choice, and they’re incredibly effective most of the time. You’re here to party, but you also have taste buds and standards. You’ll presumably puke on the first climb tomorrow morning, but you also won’t flake out on your friends.

TEQUILA

You’re reckless, ride it like you stole it, and like to go big whether you’re drinking or sending dirt jumps. You are prone to questionable decision-making, which often results in breaking bones and/or parts. Tomorrow morning may be full of hateful text messages, embarrassing realizations, and possibly missing pants. But you’re the life of the party and nobody can stay mad at you for long.

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ANYTHING “ICE” OR “LIGHT”

You are so desperate to fill every bit of available stomach space with cheap alcohol that you have given up on enjoying the taste of beer. You’re probably borrowing someone else’s bike, which you will invariably damage or destroy altogether. You’ll most likely black out and end up getting in a heated argument with an inanimate object before skipping tomorrow’s ride because you’re too hung over.

HEFEWEIZEN

You’re laid-back but confident, comfortable with your preferences. You’re probably not the type to guinea-pig a freshly built ladder drop but you’ll follow your friends through just about anything and are usually the one to end up performing first aid when somebody wraps themselves around a tree. You’re also the selfless one that cooks breakfast while the rest of the group struggles to organize their brain cells.

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10+% ABV STOUT

You have successfully convinced yourself that A) drinking highly alcoholic bagel smoothies on a warm summer evening is refreshing, and B) the more it costs, the better it is. Subconsciously, you’re just desperate to impress your peers with your obscure taste in craft breweries and custom frame builders. You graciously bestow upon others your wealth of knowledge even (especially) when nobody is asking for your opinion. Fortunately, you’ll fall asleep with a full stomach before anyone gets too sick of your shit.

WHISKEY

You’re a rugged individual that can turn tree bark into kindling using only your fingernails. You ride a rigid singlespeed on steep, technical trails because you can. In a pinch you’re able to replace a broken V-brake cable with some dental floss and a few rusty staples. You’ll probably beat everyone at arm wrestling before getting bored and heading off into the woods looking for bears to headbutt.

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4Comments

Here's what the community has to say.

kaseytheawesome

kaseytheawesome

Wow, so stupid.



Based on descriptions I'm guessing the author likes 10+% ABV stout.

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Bob Purcell

Bob Purcell

I don't care for IPAs, never drink anything lite and am not a fan of tequila.



f the drinks listed I'll go for bourbon straight because I like Kentucky and Stouts because I also like pumpernickle and beer is liquid bread.



But then on the trail, you'll find my bottles filled with Ice tea and lemonade--as for knots and gear--my bike is an 8 speed internal, because I've gotten tired of tearing off deraillers.



I'm glad you didn't include wine--bleh.



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