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My training on the road was far from structured. It consisted of chirping two-way radios and dodging distracted business types with cellular phones stuck to their ears while attempting to beat the next light down 4th Avenue. My daily kit consisted of rolled-up jeans, frayed, flipped-up Campy hats, and oversize messenger bags stuffed full of documents, rolled blueprints, or ridiculously large bank boxes. Needless to say matching kits and power-meters were not a part of my training schedule–more like PBR and dedicated rush filings.

But here I was, standing at the start line with 15 other color-coordinated, leg-shaving, $5,000-bike-riding, muscle-toned Lycra-lovers–about to pedal squares around a transient-filled park in the pissing rain–this was my first road race, and by this point, the butterflies in my stomach had turned to small birds, and the only thing I wanted to do was puke.

My story of bike-messenger-turned-roadie is only relevant in understanding my perspective. Just know that, if you don't have experience using a power-meter or have an extra set of $2,000 carbon, aero race wheels or even a matching kit, you aren't alone. I will take this opportunity to share a few tips I wish somebody had told me before my first race. Hints like basic strategy and dos and don'ts, and even a few style points–for better or worse.

SIMPLE STRATEGY

Pick your place in the peloton
First races are inevitably nerve-racking, and riding in a group is different than riding in traffic, so if you don't have a lot of group riding experience, take time to get settled in. Remember, the main thing riders in Cat 5s lack is experience–not engines. If it's your first time riding in a group, then charging out of the gate may not be the best idea. Pick an appropriate spot, and get comfortable. Hell, pick a spot where your girlfriend can see you; at least you'll have a beautiful girl cheering you on.

Once you get nestled in the peloton, be sure to keep your head up, not fixated on the rear wheel of the guy in front of you. It's difficult not to look down when you're suffering, but try to avoid it. Don't overlap wheels, because if you do and touch the wheel of the rider in front of you, you'll lose and most likely kiss the tarmac.

Take the time to consider your fitness–and race accordingly. Was two weeks ago Friday the last time you threw a leg over the road bike, and then two weeks before that? Has training consisted of the eight-block cruiser-ride to the grocery store for a sixer of Heineken? Fitness will arrive with hard work, but not during the second training week of the season. Try to avoid getting so exhausted in your first race that your bike-handling gets sloppy, because the next step is crashing. Besides, it's better to hang with the peloton than crush it too early, only to find yourself shelled off the back 20 minutes into the race.

Avoid sitting in the back of the group unless you like to practice intervals for 50 minutes while dodging unpredictable moving obstacles. Crashing sucks, and chances are the farther back you sit, the more likely you'll end up on the tarmac in the event of a crash. In addition to possibly getting tangled, riding in the back of the group produces "the accordion effect"–this may work well for polka, but it's a poorly devised plan when trying to get comfortable in your first bike race. If you miss what I am saying here, think about burning less energy by maintaining a consistent pace within the peloton, rather than sprinting out of corners to stay with the group and then slowing up to make the next corner.

Size up your competition
When you roll up to the start line of a race, take notice of the sea of Lycra around you. Identify the matching kits and strong riders you think may be contenders. This is especially important if you are racing without a team. If others are working together, they will gain an advantage so, at the very least, pay attention to their movements during the race because you may be able to capitalize on a mistake.

Avoid the dog-chasing-a-squirrel tactic. Resist the urge to chase down every attack, whether in a road race or a crit. Of course, there are always exceptions; otherwise, there would be no winners. But chasing down the kid on the bike three sizes too small for him with his number pinned on backward when you're half of a lap into the race is most likely not your best strategic move. Let him wear out or, better yet, let the three guys in matching kits chase him down while you catch a ride on their wheels. They'll need to recover, and you'll have an extra 100 meters of power left in your legs–a big plus when a wheel-length determines your spot on the podium.

If you race smart, you don't always need to be the strongest–racing as much with your head as your legs will greatly increase your chances at getting across the line first.

Bottle-handling skills
Practice drinking from your bottle on training rides without accidentally sending it skipping across the tarmac. It may not matter to you when you drop your bottle while riding in a close group of 30-plus riders, but when that bottle slips from your hand and hits the pavement, the peloton will split like the Red Sea during Moses' crossing–not to mention that you'll hear a half dozen riders shout, "Bottle!" behind you.

Sometimes these shouts are followed by sounds of cracking carbon and of polyurethane hurdling across the asphalt. You may have averted disaster, but your bottle-dropping ways also made a bunch of spandex jockeys very unhappy as they pick up their mangled $5,000 Pinarellos.

BE TOUGH-SKINNED

Ignore the Egos
Let's begin by saying that legs always speak louder than words–and until you've been asked to race in Europe, take snooty, egotistical, smarty-pants comments with a grain of salt. Peloton attitude thrives like fungi on a cow pie, and the rider's with the big mouths typically aren't the ones dishing out the hurt. So, when you're startled by a guy in front of you screaming, "Hold your line!" just as you and 40 other riders attempt to squeeze through a tight corner at 25mph, remember that guy is the self-appointed Peloton Turn Coordinator. If you have any questions after the race, be sure you ask him, for he has spent three-and-a-half hours studying the dynamics of group riding by watching the first half of two stages in the Tour de France.

Always a Reason
Excuses are in no short supply in the road world, so saying less is always saying more. Nobody is ever at 100 percent all of the time, so every time you hear about how Johnny didn't race well because he wasn't (insert excuse here), just smile and say nothing. When you have a bad day–and yes, you will–just chalk it up as a bad day, and move on. Drop your buddies next week or have two beers instead of three tonight after dinner.

STYLE TIPS

Use Style to Your Advantage
Road racing is not all about how good you look in your spandex–that's just part of the story. You can make yourself look faster than you really are, perhaps sending your competition away sniffling. That's right–just because you don't have ten years of racing experience under your belt doesn't mean you can't look like you do. Here are a few style points to level the playing field.

Close Shave
Could I really discuss road racing without bringing up smooth legs? If you have yet to take the plunge into the world of smooth legs, now's your chance. After all, your girlfriend's really nice, pink, five-blade razor and Skintimate shave cream is calling your name. Just make sure that when you're finished, you pick all the hair out of the razor before placing it back exactly where you found it–those refills are pricey, and if she doesn't know you used her razor, then congrats, you got smooth legs without shelling out duckets for a new razor.

Is That a Real Tattoo?
Do this in advance, but leave the mark on your leg during the race for added style. When you pull the 5000 Cannondale off the roof of your Escalade, stand over it and brush your right calf up against the front chainring, leaving a quarter-circle grease mark on your bronzed, shaved calf. Remember, it's important this is done on the inside of your right leg; otherwise it will look intentional (seeing as how your drivetrain is on the right side), thus defeating any credibility from the get-go.

Fashionably Fast
Stuff gel packs under the elastic leg grippers of your shorts–not all the way, just enough so they stay put but where they are visible to other riders. Gel-pack stuffing says to your competition, "After I drop you from my wheel, I'm gonna have a snack."

Glasses, Straps, and What Matters
I don't know why this is a style point, but it is. When you place your sunglasses on your face, be sure to set the earpieces on the outside of your helmet straps. Don't ask why; just do it.

Water on Your Bike, Not Your Back
There is no doubt hydration packs are great for quenching thirst and even eliminate the need for bottle-handling skills–but carrying one is a dead giveaway that you are a newbie to road racing. Yes, Lance wears a hydration pack under his skinsuit for Grand Tour TTs, but you aren't Lance, and this isn't the Tour.

And don't try being sneaky by wearing it under your jersey–you'll look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame in Lycra, again destroying any shot at credibility. Instead, purchase really nice, overpriced water bottles, and carry them on your even-more-overpriced carbon cages. When you get really good, you can throw them like the pros you see on TV do–just remember, they get those bottles for free, so every time you want to look cool, it's gonna cost you eight bucks.

You're Just a Number
When you pick up the paper number you just purchased for sixty bucks at the registration booth, it is detrimental to your cred if you pin your number on your jersey incorrectly. I know it's fun pasting stamps cockeyed on envelopes–like some twisted way of performing voodoo on the recipient–but don't do it with your number. Find out which side the number gets pinned on, and make sure it is not upside down. Look around at other rider's number placement, and make sure you match.

Sinus-Clearing Technique
Finally, I will give you a tip involving common courtesy. When your heart races and your adrenaline rises, often your nose begins to run, especially if the mercury drops. Clearing it out is necessary and relieving; however, do avoid showering the rider behind you with your nose butter. Kindly move to one side of the group and take care of business. Your cooperation may not be acknowledged, but greatly appreciated.

Road racing is as unique as it is disciplined and as challenging as it is fun–well worth the inevitable starting-line butterflies at the beginning of your first race. So, if you're considering testing your pedaling skills against your peers in a locally organized race, stop considering, and do it. You'll be glad you did.