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The Top 10 Reasons Not to Visit Montana, Ever


What do you really know about Montana? A recent Gallup Poll claims it’s the best state to live in across the U.S.A., which makes it sound pretty swell. Sure, the guidebooks say it’s the home of world-class fly fishing, the nation’s most scenic park, and more elk, pronghorn antelope, and bald eagles than you can possibly eat … but when we left Montana bars off our list of top mountain-town drinking establishments, we were shocked to learn from our neighbors up north that, despite rumors to the contrary, there are some serious downsides to what we thought was basically a state-sized version of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show.

“There is a limit to 1.5% alcohol in MT; and there is no snow projected for next year. Don’t waste your time coming here. It is also filled with a bunch of crazie [sic] gun-toting outlaws, and cannot be considered safe. I would stay wherever you come from.”

“MT only has dirt roads with high tolls. And hurricanes.”

“MT is full”

“Yes, Montana is very full…..so full in fact that the snow has already melted, there are rabid hillbillies everywhere. The chairlifts are all run down, some even fall apart and I hear that next year the whole state will be dry (as in no booze at all), best not to even think about coming to MT.”

Say what? We’d only heard great things until now, but after the Montana Dive Bar Militia came a-calling, we started to wonder: is it even worth visiting The Slightly Lesser White North Just South of The Great White North? After getting the dirt from some honest-to-goodness Montana folks, we came up with this rather disappointing list:

THE TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO VISIT MONTANA, EVER

montanapowshot

Flickr/Zach Dischner

1. Only one ski resort.

Ski Montana claims there are as many as 15 resorts in the state, but we’ve since been told there’s only one (Big Sky), and that it’s always cold and windy because it’s basically a big ice cube with a gondola at the top. Also, while (the clearly fictitious) Whitefish Resort quotes an average snowfall of 300 inches, apparently the wind blows all the snow away.

2. Too cold.

We’ve seen pictures of people enjoying warm, sunny weather in Montana, but we’ve since been informed these were all Photoshopped. The average July temperature in Montana hovers around negative 12 degrees Fahrenheit, and in January it dips to 0 Kelvin, stopping all cellular activity at the molecular level.

Lone Mountain (Big Sky, Montana)

Flickr/Aaron Logan

3. Glaciers haven’t melted yet.

Nobody wants to look at, much less walk around on, a big hunk of ice, but Montana has ’em in spades. Locals advise you wait a few years until the planet has warmed up a few degrees, at which point you’ll be able to enjoy Glacier National Park without all of those pesky glaciers getting in your way.

4. Too many beers to choose from.

Don’t try to count all the craft breweries in Montana, because by the time you’re finished, ten more will have opened up. It’s as though they’re all trying to win some sort of prestigious medal or something. Or maybe it’s two medals? Can’t remember after all these beers.

montanabeers

Flickr/Justin Fincher

5. Not allowed to not drink.

We may be misinterpreting the actual letter of the law, but it seems Montana is the only state where “open container” means you are actually required to have an open beer in your hand at all times, especially when operating heavy machinery.

6. Might get eaten by a wildlife.

Montana has the largest grizzly bear population in the lower 48 states, and while it is a well-known fact that they eat mostly fish and berries, a little-known fact is that the fish and berries generally come from inside humans who ate fish and berries earlier.

montanabear

Flickr/U.S. Geological Survey

7. If the bears don’t kill you…

The people will. Everybody in Montana is armed to the teeth and pissed off that A. there are now speed limits and B. Montana bars weren’t included in the Backcountry.com list of Best Mountain Town Dive Bars.

8. Only food is testicles.

Vegetarians, beware. Thanks to the prevalence of cattle ranching as the state’s biggest industry, prairie oysters—a.k.a. bull balls, a.k.a. cowboy caviar—are the only form of sustenance allowed within Montana state lines.

montanaemptyspace

Flickr/Susan Sermenta

9. Too much open space and nothing to do with it.

According to U.S. Census data, 46 of 56 counties in Montana currently qualify as “frontier counties” with an average population of 6 or fewer people per square mile. Just try finding a Starbucks.

10. It’s actually in Canada.

Pretty sure about this but we are checking our sources.

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84Comments

Here's what the community has to say.

shelley

shelley

yes! Montana is NOT the state to visit!! We dont want you here~~ Stay Out!!!

(10)

shelley

shelley

this is a Stupid article and there are truths in it at all~ oh yes there is one~ it is cold in the winter time! But if you wanna believe this article good! We dont want you in Mt!!! :)

(3)

bernadette

bernadette

Wow, I am a New Yorker and envy growing up in such a gorgeous state...shame on you for finding fault in loving nature! Now get the #@*^ out of Montana!

(2)

Maddy

Maddy

guys this is so satirical it's not even funny

(6)

Go to Texas instead. There is a theme park there.

(7)

Asenath

Asenath

These are not the vacation spots you are looking for.

(7)

J-Quellin

J-Quellin

lucid and un-satirical. the authors shoot straight. the 406 has no redeeming qualities. i'd be so unhappy if i had to die there. but for the time being, SWEET ZEUS WHO THUNDERS ALOFT, I CANNOT WAIT TO GET BACK TO BIG SKY COUNTRY IN TWO WEEKS!

(2)

hanna

hanna

there is nothing wrong with montana this article is so stupid. there are plenty of exciting things if you are down for looking at old billings and learning the history and there are more than just one ski resort who ever wrote this article obviously has never been to montana or lived here as long as me im 16 and been here my whole life and plan on being here until the day i die so stop bashing montana and shut the hell up to all you city slickers

(1)

jer372168

jer372168

It's the worst. Hell we don't even have a Taco Bell and the nearest 7-11 is in Fernie, BC.

(5)

Laura Hodges

Laura Hodges

Yeah - probably best not to come here. Our people are too friendly, our climate is too dry, our winters are too cold (sometimes) and there are already an awful lot of people here!

(4)

happy

happy

Where did u get your info none of this is true I live here and in July it can get up to 100 degrees Fahrenheit and plus we do have at least 15 ski resorts whitefish got around 349 inches if snow this year big sky is a great place to go and also what the hell does " only food is testicles " even mean shure there is a testicle festival but we still serve the good parts of the animal and glacier park is really beautiful and all that extra space is for hunters and we are not mad about no bars in the back country or speed-limits we wouldn't kill you for that we definitely don't have to have a beer in hand wile working at all and we have some of the finest beer you should really come here for at least a year before you write this terrible report on it.

(1)

Jayde

Jayde

Every one of these "facts" is completely fake. -12 degrees in July?! Where the hell does that come from? And the whole ski resort thing? I'm laughing my ass off at this article. Idk if it's a joke but whoever came up with this must be insane.

(1)

Jayde

Jayde

This guys from Utah. I think he's just mad that he doesn't live here or something because this is one biased, opinionated article.

(2)

randy

randy

I live in Alaska understand montana's attitude love it or leave it...we prefer you visit for short while then leave...

(3)

MontanaProud

MontanaProud

To all of the people complaining about this article being untrue - you really oughtta take a minute and ask yourself if lying like that is going to do anybody any favors. Are you guys trying to entice people to come so you can get a little target practice in or what?? I've lived here all my life, and I don't know why anybody would want to come up to this uncivilized forsaken frozen wasteland. Best to just stay home. I'm so used to seeing snow and ice that I can't even remember the last time I saw any type of vegetation.

(3)

Eric Drissell

Eric Drissell

Darn right we're pissed off! Maybe you'll learn to give our good ol' Montana bars some well-deserved credit next time! ;) Oh, & ya def. don't come here. Big Sky is the largest ski resort in the US- so large in fact, that you'll probably just get lost while skiing it & become dinner for the carnivorous mountain yetis that live here. Better just stay home in your flat-lander state where you'll be safe.

(4)

Timothy Mc Henry

Timothy Mc Henry

Montana, where we have 9 months of winter, and 3 months of bad skiing. I would stay as far away from this place as possible, we're full. Personally, I have seen snow every month of the year, including August. Go away now.

(3)

Dave

Dave

I'm pretty sure this article meant to say N. Idaho instead of Montana !!

(1)

brittany

brittany

Guess who moved here from PA? That's for all you rude people in this state! I work here and I'm not going anywhere ;) deal with it. The state isn't full!

(0)

Bugwubber

Bugwubber

I'm apparently a glutton for pain and punishment. Moved to Minnesota from Texas and enjoy the winters. I'm fascinated every time I feel the mucous lining in my nose freeze as I breathe in. I took video of boiling water freezing in midair this past winter. Went camping last weekend and there was frost on my tent. In May. How cool is that!? :-) Saw someone out on the lake on a jetski doging icebergs so I know I'm not alone. Now I'm feeling a tug to visit Montanna this year.

(2)

Andrew Mount

Andrew Mount

"Stay out of there. Don't go. Stay home and read a good book...(It) is an awful place. People get hurt, get sick, get lost out there. Even if you survive, which is not certain, you will have a miserable time." -Edward Abbey (he was speaking of the Great American Desert, but this could be applied to Montana, as well).

(0)

Sarah

Sarah

Really, the entire Northwest sucks. You think Montana is bad? Idaho is 10x worse. I'm from S. California, and the lure of the wild called after reading an article about how beautiful it is. Such lies, such lies. I know Coeur d 'Alene lake looks pretty on a magazine cover, but the lake is actually filled with flesh eating algae. And don't even get me started on the locals. Those Ida-billies shoot without asking. We lost my brother vacationing one summer, he got a flat tire and made the mistake of knocking on the wrong door. Rest in peace Brah. The eagles ate my yorkie poo, the bears tore the door off my Lexus, and the locals..... Back to the locals. Always wearing flannel, looking like they stepped out of an REI catalog. I think the weather is too harsh for them, because I swear they all have some form of whooping cough. Everywhere I went, I kept hearing coughing sounds. Oddly, I kept thinking they were saying "Californian" and "pretentious ass" while covering it up with a cough, but it couldn't be that. I'm delightful. I tip my barristas. I even let the bell hop at the resort touch my Louis Vuitton luggage. I drove on over 4th of July pass to visit the state in question, Montana. Terrible. The hot springs reek of sulfur, (and again, flesh eating algae! Hello!), the locals are even ruder than Idahoans, and the traffic is just terrible, it rivals the O.C. Your best bet is to come down to the Golden Coast. That's right. California. I know it has a bad rap lately, but it's fab-u-lous. I see a movie star basically every time I'm out. Jennifer Aniston is like, totes my bestie. Just being here automatically causes you to lose 10 lbs, and makes your teeth whiter too. Come to beautiful California and stay away from the Great Northwest.

(4)

Mitch Dufour

Mitch Dufour

Good points there Rob. I'd add to the list that every time you go there, you never want to leave. It makes it difficult to enjoy you're own home once you return.

(1)

devan_bean

devan_bean

I had a hoodie growing up that said on the front of it..."Montana Sucks, now go home and tell your friends". Everyone always read that and thought that I really didn't like Montana. lol

(2)

Richard Lacey

Richard Lacey

You can come if you bring a truckload of .22 shells. Obama doesn't want us shootin our gophers that are getting out of control here..so he and his puppets, (the guy with the 50's crew cut from Geraldine and the new guy who pretends to have "Montana Values"..yet is just another LIB rubber stamper)..make it impossible to get 'plinkin' ammo. Just sayin....

(0)

marcus

marcus

De Luca, -There are 15 ski resorts in Montana not 1, so please do not embellish -The average July temperature in Montana is not -12 Farenheit; average temperature in July ranges from 40-89 Farenheit depending on your location and time of day. Once again, please do not embellish -People travel from all corners of the world to visit glaciers, not only in Montana. By nature, glaciers are slow moving mountains compacted with ICE. So when people visit areas with glaciers, they have every intention of viewing and if they so please walking on ice. Your opinion on this matter is completely illogical. -As far as alcohol laws go, you could not have strayed further from the truth. Permission to increase alcohol percentage from 7%-14% was recently granted to Montana brewers statewide. On the contrary, it's the state you currently call home, UTAH that has a limited alcohol percentage on all grocery store bought and all draft beers from bars (3.2%) -Referring to point #8, well that's just silly. Montana offers various foods including all categories from the food pyramid. -Yes you are correct when referring to Montana's lack of Starbucks. Simple solution if you crave Starbucks, purchase bags from your local grocery store and brew your coffee at home. -And NO, Montana is in the U.S.A. Everyone has the right to visit Montana, just as you have. Do not forget you are from Pennsylvania and were attracted to the Rockies for it's majesty and incomparable nature. To write a CYNICAL article (yes I did notice you were attempting to be cynical) in hopes of steering tourists away is plain hypocritical and immature. YOU WERE ONCE THAT TOURIST!!!!! So, if you are reading this comment now I HIGHLY URGE YOU TO VISIT THE GREAT STATE OF MONTANA!!!! IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND HAS COUNTLESS OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES TO PARTICIPATE IN. #it'sforthepeople

(0)

jenrau520

jenrau520

All true, now stay out...this here is our state and we don't take kindly to strangers... Now I'm gonna go load my shot gun...see if anyone wants to visit me...

(0)

Leave the writing about Montana to Montanans. Try an article on Park City resort life and let us handle keeping Montana local.

(1)

johny

johny

wow so many people on here are retarded and thought this article was being serious. The lack of intelligence in some people is simply mystifying.

(5)

trueMontana

trueMontana

Oh my gosh! I've never read a more apt description of my home state. I think I would add this: Not only are the living things angry and deadly, but the inanimate things are as well. Our roads are on the nations top ten deadliest list, trees and rocks hurl themselves through the air killing people every year, and most of the state is haunted by some seriously pissed off redneck and Native ghosts.

(4)

James Allen

James Allen

worst place ever don't ever come visit people! like OMG i almost got eatin by a bear once cause i didn't think it would bully me after throwing a few fries out for it ! It needed a snack OMG SERIOUSLY!!!! and the deer are always in the ROAD! MOVE! i felt like i was on the free way in Cali always having to slow down and be careful!

(1)

Ross

Ross

It's funny when people don't get satire. Enjoyable article!

(8)

Joe Lentz

Joe Lentz

The weather is always nice between 31st of July and 1st of August. People are always happy to see you leave.

(1)

Raven

Raven

#11: Most Popular Montana T-shirt: If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot 'em? Seriously, this place is horrible- miles of nothing but trees and pristine rivers and man-eating bears... and it's really cold.

(4)

Larry

Larry

Not only do you NOT want to visit here, Montana Sucks. It says so on this website, http://www.montana-sucks.com. Now go home and tell all your friends!

(1)

Nick

Nick

"A recent Gallup Poll claims it?s the best state to live in across the U.S.A." That is not what the Gallup poll said. The Gallup Poll said *Montanans* think it's the best state to live in in the USA (all 10,000 of them). But if that makes you feel better.. Secondly, I frequently see Montanans posting on social media why they think Montana is the best place to live in.. and why they wouldn't live anywhere else. Now I have never lived in Montana so I cannot tell. But it makes me wonder .. if they are constantly affirming and trying to justify living there when nobody asked them, there must be some question about it. But in Montana's favor they do have the tail end of the fabulous Rocky Mountains of Alberta, so I give them that.

(0)

Hank

Hank

Montana is FULL......I hear North Dakota is nice.

(2)

If CA had this marketing firm working for them 30 years ago it might still be habitable...

(0)

Steve Zachmann

Steve Zachmann

Visit Montana and share your wealth. If you don't appreciate natural resource development, such as oil, coal, timber, precious metals, your are still certainly welcome. Just bear in mind we treasure our natural other natural resources, trees, clean water and air and open spaces- and believe it all goes hand in hand. If the oil and gas development is an issue, please park your car at the border, it's walk-in only to protect your mindset.

(0)

MTGirlinTX

MTGirlinTX

I seem to recall hearing this recently "you can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at". Article is hilarious & the comments are an added bonus! Miss my horrible native state. But only in July.

(4)

Gina

Gina

I'm a little surprised at how many of my fellow Montanans didn't recognize the satirical quality of this story.

(5)

GUYSPLS

GUYSPLS

GUYS GUYS GUYS! THIS IS SATIRE!!!!!!!! For those of you that don't know how to read, or didn't finish high school: Satire: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

(8)

MT SXS

MT SXS

This is to funny. You have to be from MT to understand we have to many "city folk". Go Home!!

(1)

Nora Mae Ball Smith

Nora Mae Ball Smith

To bad as Montana i s my grandfathers home state he was the neighbor of the late Mrs Only Woman in Congress Rankin.. can tell me to stay away I can visit if I care to ... an d besides I have more cousins than on the Ball side there. Try me if you dare... wide open heck I love the wide open I had training in WY for that but then I did not have sense of where I should of gone Kailspell is one place I plan to visit besides the ol home site of my grandfather in Saco... So what i f you dare I too can go where ever I wish to go an d to hell is not the place I care to be.. I have ties to just about every where but I have yet to go where my roots had helped settled.. Ya better have some ol box homes to see and take pictures of for that s one place and thing I do want for my book. DOnt care if the ol Midnight ranch is under siege of ol Ted him self o r if ol Hank is floating around daring the girls to drink drink drink no wonder why all his rowdy friends were coming over that night... I just wanna find some fresh air a spell so I can clear out the webs with in my mind an d find peace in a valley out yonder as they said in a song I just have to see just how big them mosquitoes really are ... and just maybe I might find a novel by some other soldier that I too can base a hit blockbuster at the show house then maybe you will see that I too have a right to claim a bit more of my families heritage ... right there in the great open state of Big Sky Country aka MONTANA.... see ya soon Alki

(0)

Mike S

Mike S

it is obvious that people are morons and can not take a joke. was done to get people to stay away. We Montanans are very proud of our state and we don't want anymore outsiders than we have. Especially if they are coming to try and change us.

(1)

Matt Karlson

Matt Karlson

I love this post. If you don't get it we don't want you in Montana anyways

(2)

pam kapp

pam kapp

Lies lies and more lies! We don't have the open container law. We aren't all a bunch of hillbillies were the lowest population state and we have way more than one ski resort. So come as you are but be prepared its big sky country and we wanna keep it that way

(0)

Todd Fennell

Todd Fennell

Visit? Visit, Really? heck I want to move there and Id becoming from another highly contented state

(1)

Sharon Ross

Sharon Ross

Sad because many people will actually believe this absolutely ridiculous article. LOL, I guess.

(2)

Eliza McLaughlin

Eliza McLaughlin

Not a single thing on that list was true... Seriously don't believe it.... I live in Montana. BTW average high is around 90� whoever wrote this is an idiot . just near bigsky there are 4 other ski resorts. We are part of the us bears?? You mean my best buds? Ya there there... So what... No one eats testicles... Momntana is over populated.... No law on not drinking... Not our fault if you can't decide between beers...

(0)

per2448514

per2448514

Yes whatever you do, avoid Montana at all costs! I went there and I was forced to ski, snowshoe and drink beer during my entire visit(s)... ;-)

(2)

Waterhammer

Waterhammer

I LOVE this article. Well done boys! Not only is your sarcasm and humor very well played, but as usual, is lost on many. I for one enjoyed it, and will NOT be visiting Montana anymore! EVER!

(1)

chelseamarrisa

chelseamarrisa

The best part about this article are all the pissed off people from Montana who took it seriously.

(2)

Matt

Matt

While obviously after reading this extremely sarcastic article that is only insinuating to stay away so they can keep enjoying Montana all to themselves and keep it the way it is. I had the huge desire to go to Montana. But After reading the comments of all the angry Montanians trying to defend it I really began to wonder what the average IQ is there if that many people were clueless to the whole point of the article

(2)

Cody Powell

Cody Powell

As a small town Texan I think Montana may be the only other place I'd be willing to live.

(0)

Reason 11: Montana public education system omitted lesson on satire from English 201.

(1)

Dave

Dave

After flying into Billings four times to visit relatives in northern Wyoming, I now consider Montana my home. So speaking as a local, I can attest to the atrocious living conditions in this article. To all you tourists: Please go home and stay there! I made a pledge years ago to never be a tourist anywhere. If everyone followed my lead, there would never be any local/tourist related friction. Note to "locals": You are a tourist when you leave your town/area and recreate in other areas. You're not immune to the tourist stigma. To all you people considering moving somewhere: I also made a pledge to never move to a place I wasn't born and/or raised in. Pledge this with me and there would be fewer people building new homes that ruin your view or add to the traffic on the roads. To all you so-called locals: How long does it take to become a local? Are you a local because one of your relatives decided moving to <insert place> would be nice and you happened, through no choice or action of your own, to grow up there? Are you a local because YOU decided to move to <insert place>? Unless your granddaddy's granddaddy's granddaddy moved to <insert place> first, they pissed off somebody who already lived there. Get over yourselves! Or move to Alaska, there is a ton of open space out there. (Assuming you were born and/or raised in Alaska. Otherwise the Alaskans might get upset with you.)

(0)

Kyle

Kyle

I have always wanted to spend an extended amount of time in MT. My only concern I now have after reading the article and the reviews is that there are actually that many people from one state who either aren't smart enough to realize that this is a sarcastic/satire post or either they just don't possess a sense of humor. Kind of shocked at some of you who claim to live there and actually took the time to defend MT against the author as if you could actually live there and believe all that he wrote. But if I ever do make it to Big Sky I guess I'll hope for sense of humors over brains and common sense. I got both convered and hate a Debby Downer.

(0)

Maria Vickers

Maria Vickers

Sorry Montana, I didn't see this article before I made the decision to move here :) I moved here from a state that had the same campaign back in the 70's and should have stayed with it as it has been over run by Californians . If it makes you feel any better I am not a tourist and I have made a point of spending as much of my money as possible in state. So far the locals have been very welcoming.

(0)